First post

I'm still unsure if I will continue on writing in this blog. Putting my problems out there for people to read is pretty frightening to me, but I hope that laying out my thought processes will help me to deal with depression, anxiety, and stress in a more healthy manner.

I started dieting in high school, as most girls do. I was self-conscious of my height (I'm 5'9) and curves. Dieting and exercise spiraled into restricting my caloric intake to 200-500 and then fasting for days. I lost about 20 pounds and my friends and coworkers  began to worry. Around this time I also fell into depression, and one night after passing out and vomitting up the bottle of vodka I drank, I told my dad that I wanted to die. He scheduled an appointment for me to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I was prescribed to Prozac but stopped taking it after about six months since I hadn't felt much improvement from it.

The summer before college I really began to binge eat. I still thought the same way towards food (that it was evil and I could do without it), but eating became a way for me to cope with the stress of moving away from my family and best friend. So over those three months I gained back about 25 pounds from the constant restricting followed by day-long binges.

My freshman year of college I was really determined to become skinny again, so I worked out for more than an hour up to five times a week at the gym and ate only one meal a day of a salad and raw veggies. I lost about 15 pounds, but gained more muscle.

As of now, I've sunk farther into depression and have gone back to binge eating almost every single day. I started taking Zoloft about a month ago, and it's definitely helped with keeping the suicidal thoughts away, but I feel so fed up with dealing with these food issues every single minute of the day and feeling down about myself. I'm currently at a crossroads - do I take a semester off school and really focus on recovering from my e.d.'s and depression and figure out what I want to do with my life, or do I stay in school and possibly make bad grades again and continue to struggle with these emotions in a high-stress environment away from my family.