Classes start in two days and I am dreading the thought of walking in those huge crowds of people with this new weight gain. I still don't know if I'm going to drop my classes and go home or if I'm going to try and fight through. For the past few weeks I've just been wearing yoga pants and big t-shirts to try and cover up my pregnant looking stomach and my thicker thighs. I just know I'm going to feel like shit that first day when everyone is dressed really cute to set good impressions while I'll be wearing something that best hides my figure. It's also been hard to get myself motivated to do things when I wake up in the morning. The first thing that usually crosses my mind is how I hate the way I look and feel...makes it hard for me to put myself out in the world for other people to see.
I'm worried though that if I go home that it's a sign of weakness. I've been dealing with these problems for years and I know that when things get tough I can't just run home to mom and dad. But I need someone to give me the tools to be able to deal with stress, anxiety and depression in a healthy manner so that when future problems arise, I will be able to handle them.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
First post
I'm still unsure if I will continue on writing in this blog. Putting my problems out there for people to read is pretty frightening to me, but I hope that laying out my thought processes will help me to deal with depression, anxiety, and stress in a more healthy manner.
I started dieting in high school, as most girls do. I was self-conscious of my height (I'm 5'9) and curves. Dieting and exercise spiraled into restricting my caloric intake to 200-500 and then fasting for days. I lost about 20 pounds and my friends and coworkers began to worry. Around this time I also fell into depression, and one night after passing out and vomitting up the bottle of vodka I drank, I told my dad that I wanted to die. He scheduled an appointment for me to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I was prescribed to Prozac but stopped taking it after about six months since I hadn't felt much improvement from it.
The summer before college I really began to binge eat. I still thought the same way towards food (that it was evil and I could do without it), but eating became a way for me to cope with the stress of moving away from my family and best friend. So over those three months I gained back about 25 pounds from the constant restricting followed by day-long binges.
My freshman year of college I was really determined to become skinny again, so I worked out for more than an hour up to five times a week at the gym and ate only one meal a day of a salad and raw veggies. I lost about 15 pounds, but gained more muscle.
As of now, I've sunk farther into depression and have gone back to binge eating almost every single day. I started taking Zoloft about a month ago, and it's definitely helped with keeping the suicidal thoughts away, but I feel so fed up with dealing with these food issues every single minute of the day and feeling down about myself. I'm currently at a crossroads - do I take a semester off school and really focus on recovering from my e.d.'s and depression and figure out what I want to do with my life, or do I stay in school and possibly make bad grades again and continue to struggle with these emotions in a high-stress environment away from my family.
I started dieting in high school, as most girls do. I was self-conscious of my height (I'm 5'9) and curves. Dieting and exercise spiraled into restricting my caloric intake to 200-500 and then fasting for days. I lost about 20 pounds and my friends and coworkers began to worry. Around this time I also fell into depression, and one night after passing out and vomitting up the bottle of vodka I drank, I told my dad that I wanted to die. He scheduled an appointment for me to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I was prescribed to Prozac but stopped taking it after about six months since I hadn't felt much improvement from it.
The summer before college I really began to binge eat. I still thought the same way towards food (that it was evil and I could do without it), but eating became a way for me to cope with the stress of moving away from my family and best friend. So over those three months I gained back about 25 pounds from the constant restricting followed by day-long binges.
My freshman year of college I was really determined to become skinny again, so I worked out for more than an hour up to five times a week at the gym and ate only one meal a day of a salad and raw veggies. I lost about 15 pounds, but gained more muscle.
As of now, I've sunk farther into depression and have gone back to binge eating almost every single day. I started taking Zoloft about a month ago, and it's definitely helped with keeping the suicidal thoughts away, but I feel so fed up with dealing with these food issues every single minute of the day and feeling down about myself. I'm currently at a crossroads - do I take a semester off school and really focus on recovering from my e.d.'s and depression and figure out what I want to do with my life, or do I stay in school and possibly make bad grades again and continue to struggle with these emotions in a high-stress environment away from my family.
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